Immature Means To A Rich End

After my morning workout, I decided I was going to devote the remainder of my off-day to researching the "Blogsophere" (which I just learned about last night from Fox News), and how it is making some writers (known as "Bloggers") a lot of money...More money than I make.

Advertising seems to be really important for bloggers. The more visitors a "blog" draws in, the more a blogger can charge a company to place banner ads or text ads on the blog. That's all well and good, but how are these blogs building an audience? I decided to click around and investigate.

What I uncovered was quite startling. Most of the successful blogs are related to the lives of celebrities. Movie stars, musicians, and politicians...sometimes all three. They exhibit extremely poor writing skills, and even worse Photoshopping. The jokes are usually low-brow, and sometimes they don't even make sense. Also, for each successive vulgarity or prayer for death a blogger writes, the audience response grows even larger.

After two hours of "research," I decided that I'm going to try and implement some of these techniques today. I hope this works. With any luck, I'll be rich tomorrow morning when I wake up to an inbox full of requests for m ad rates. Here goes nothing...


The Decmeberists have a new album out called The Crane Wife, and although I haven't listened to it, I hear it has a lot of "quirky, literate songs" that fat girls and guys with glasses really dig. Although I've never seen them live (I left before their set at the Intonation festival two years ago), I've heard their concerts fall somewhere between bad book signings and English Lit. Powerpoint Presentations.


With the recent release of an updated Wowee Zowee reissue, it's time again for critics to masturbate over Pavement's place amongst the most important "indie" bands of the 1990's. I think the high water mark of their career was the "Out on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins..." verse on Range Life, and everything else that came before and after that moment is largely overrated. Especially the Stephen Malkmus solo records, which are the very definition of Dad Rock.


I don't think I've ever actually heard this clown's music, and I don't know what to call him because I don't know his name, but Ilya mentioned something about making fun of the band My Chemical Romance and writing Here Piggy Piggy on this guy's photo. I've read somewhere that a really smart and all-knowing girl blogger called his band "This Generation's Nirvana," but I think you and I will agree if Kurt Cobain was alive today, he'd have turned the shotgun on this guy's pasty visage instead.


No, that's not Crispin Hellion Glover (no relation to Lethal Weapon star Danny Glover), it's Carlos D! The guy in the suit! Lover of fat chicks! Giver of herpes! Bringer of Joy Division t-shirts back into the mainstream! Thanks a lot, douchey! The first time I saw his band Interpol, they were a lowly opening act. He actually dropped his bass mid-song and I caught it and handed it back to him. He made his way through the crowd following their set to personally thank me and shake my hand. The second time I saw him was years later, when he was getting into the back of a taxi with both arms around two very thick girls at 4am on morning. You GO Carlos D!


Hey, who's that effete kid looking off into the distance? Is it?! Could it be!? It is! It's Soupjam! Soupjam Stevens! Apparently recording album-after-album of hackneyed theatrical pop music isn't enough for dear Soupjam. Supposedly he's releasing a 5-CD Box of Christmas songs in the coming weeks. I'm sure it'll be really good. If there's one thing I love more than listening to some bookworm sing dweeby songs with pretentious titles about the Fifty Nifty United States, it's listening to that same nerd whimper about Christmas and pluck the same banjo melody for (quick, what's 5 x 74 ?) 370 minutes.


No commentary necessary, his picture speaks for itself.

Was this post supposed to be funny? Post-ironic? Sarcastic? ...I don't even know anymore, man.